"Oh look, Nora, Mommy left the wipes open...again"
"Nolan, you know you're not supposed to watch TV! Let's turn it off."
"You know, guys, you could just tell Mommy that you don't like show tunes."
Our poor children. Perhaps they'll never know that they are really just pawns in the intricate game of passive aggression between me and Corey. Please keep in mind that my husband and I love each other very much and we communicate well, but also keep in mind that we are married. To each other. In the olden days it was just the dog bearing the weighty burden of our off-hand remarks, snarky comments, and scathing criticisms delivered in loving baby-talk ("Brenley! Why did you leave Daddy's shoes in front of the door for me to trip on?!"). Lucky for her, we now have two more non-speaking life forms off of which to bounce our true feelings and frustrations.
This emotional immaturity doesn't stop at verbal digs, oh no. There are myriad sighs, eye rolls, cupboard slams, and hardwood floor stomps to really drive home those subtle-but-not-really-subtle hints of displeasure. A few of my favorites center around the Almighty Baby Monitor.
The baby monitor is a necessary evil. It's a fantastic tool, yet you find yourself bound to it, night after night: a slave to its hypnotizing static, remote camera panning, and night vision. Yes, our house is only 1600 square feet and we really could hear them anywhere, but the monitor gives you the most crucial information of your entire day or night: ARE THE BABIES STILL ASLEEP?! If they are not, then someone has to go in there...and you don't want it to be you.
There are a few passive aggressive ways to avoid the nighttime nursery visit. First, keeping it simple, is to just pretend that you didn't wake up when you heard your daughter wake out of a sound sleep screaming like a banshee at 2:30am. Fake sleep. Make your partner get her. It is imperative to follow this up with a concerned (and appropriately groggy sounding) "Is everything okay? Is someone up? Oh, I didn't even hear her!" when your partner returns to bed. I admit I do this. I am a jerk.
Corey likes the I'm Going Downstairs To Play Video Games But Text Me If They Wake Up approach. Yeah, if one of the babies is crying I'm going to grab my phone and text you in the basement to let you know that one of the babies is crying instead of going in there and putting a stop to it before the other one wakes up. Probably not. This one is a good one.
The last one we are both guilty of. Once we have put the kids to bed one of us will grab the monitor and set it on the coffee table so we can keep an eye on them. Here's the sneaky part...when putting the monitor on the coffee table you have to put it (nonchalantly) as close to the other person as possible without their noticing. That way if there's a sound they have to check the monitor making them feel obligated to go in and you can stay on the couch, comfortably sipping your second (second, right?) glass of wine and playing Words With Friends. Perfect.
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